‘Should’ is Not a Personality Trait

One thing about these twenty somethings… they sure do have hands. I’m not even halfway through yet, but I’m definitely feeling the pressure of growing into myself and figuring out what I want for myself in this life. Identity is a big thing for a lot of us and it’s something I think a lot. I think about how it carries so much meaning and has such an influential impact on how we interact with the world. Even though it can never be fixed, I still find myself searching for the right words to encompass all that I am. At the same time, I don’t want to confine myself to certain descriptions. I still want space to figure out more about myself. 

All of us are complex and there isn’t really a limit on who we can be. Because of this, sometimes placing labels on ourselves (or stubbornly identifying with them rather) can be imprisoning. Of course there’s a lot of nuance to this. It’s not always a bad idea to be attached to certain beliefs and values. With some things it's best to  stay unshakeable. What I’m more so referring to are the rigid expectations we might have for ourselves because of how we view ourselves and how others might expect us to act. 

Rigid expectations can have you performing for the crowd and even for yourself. I’m not referring to performance in the cute way, but in a way that places you in a box. The box that turns the human experience into a black and white one, rather than a spectrum of different shades and hues. This is the box where things are either this or that, and acting outside of certain labels is a form of betrayal. 

Let me throw in an example. Say you’re on a makeup free journey, and this has been motivated by your desire to embrace your features. However, one day, you get the itch to do a good face beat – lashes, lips, brows, the whole lot. Does acting on that desire suddenly mean that you no longer love your features? Most likely not and this is because makeup is not just a tool to hide insecurities, but it can be empowering too as it's a fun form of self expression where you get to be creative and experimentative, but because you have placed such strong expectations on yourself, you can’t even enjoy the moment without feeling like you’ve gone against yourself. This is something that I’ve struggled with. I don’t want to feel like a fraud, but at the same time I understand that as people we will always be full of contradictions and paradoxes, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we are fake. 

Whilst we can place this pressure to be consistent or perfect on ourselves, sometimes this pressure can come from being a part of a group or attaching yourself to certain ideologies. This is what actually inspired me to write this piece because a balance I’m trying to find is how I can be myself whilst still being a group member. 

Community is important and it’s great to be around people who have similar beliefs to you as they can keep you grounded in your values. However, there are different ways we can be expected to be within groups, especially organised ones that have a laid out set of ethos and objectives rather than more casual dynamics like a friendship circle. 

I’ve been in spaces where there’s almost this pressure for the group to become part of your entire personality. Maybe it works for some, but I’ve grown to realise that I’m not the type of person to base who I am on a group. Not because I don't value it, but because I don’t want to be placed in a box. It’s suffocating and unnecessary pressure. I want space to explore separate interests and I want to feel free enough to be  able to disagree or question certain ideas –  not out of defiance, but to see different layers and perspectives. 

I’m starting to realise that a healthy community does not equate to conformity, but instead thrives on the different vibes of people and the unique things they can bring to the table. A red flag is when a space or people expects you to be a martyr, in either explicit or implicit ways, and instead of a literal death, the sacrifice is your personality and the qualities and interests that make you who you are. 

I’ve had to distance myself from certain spaces because their expectations for who I should be were complicating an already messy journey of figuring out who I am. They were messing with my flow. But that’s the thing about life. Sometimes it’s the discomfort that nudges us closer towards what feels best and right for ourselves. After all, how do we know what freedom feels like if we’ve never experienced the prison of expectation? So maybe a part of self discovery isn’t just about finding out who we are, but it also involves asking who we have been told to be and if it’s time to loosen our grip on that version. 

Until the next wave

- Miss A